When we forgive someone who has done something against us, we often jump from the act of forgiving in our own mind (which is difficult enough) to trying to “forget” the incident as well as we can (which can be just as hard – see the blog post “What Forgiving and Forgetting Really Means”). But this jump overlooks a part of the process that Paul chose to stress. Notice what he told the Corinthian church regarding the one from whom they had become alienated: “If anyone has caused grief…The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:5-8). Notice that Paul immediately follows the admonition to forgive the individual with one to “comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” This clearly indicates that the individual was already sorry for whatever ...
The simplest way to understand this is to realize the difference between what we might call active and passive forgiveness. Passive Forgiveness When we find it difficult to forgive someone, we sometimes forgive them passively. This means that we may stop ourselves from talking and thinking negatively about the person and certainly from considering any kind of revenge or “getting even” with them. Yet the level of forgiveness stops there – at a kind of “letter of the law” level. Ultimately we may settle into a kind of indifference toward the individual. We do not see the person who has wronged us as either a friend or an enemy, but we feel content in not actively being negative about him or her. Unfortunately, if we fall into this kind of passive attitude, we may never cross over into a more positive attitude of true forgiveness toward the person. How do we know if we are guilty of this kind of minimal, “passive” forgivenes...